is there poodle in my noodle

A very happy Christmas from Siargao, one of the most easterly of the 7,641 islands which make up the Philippines archipelago.

Siargao (pronounced Shar-gow) is internationally famous for its surfing, turquoise waters and sandy beaches, and hosts a renowned break called Cloud 9 which is reserved for the most skilled surfers.

The island’s main tourist town, General Luna, is also home to hoards of exquisitely good-looking, bronzed and ripped surfer types, most of whom wear not much more than an eye-watering shoe string. Needless to say we are fitting right in 😂

Jem has been honing his skills on the baby waves which has, by his own admittance, been quite an ego-crushing experience having not surfed in more than a decade. As promised I gave it a go; a brief and somewhat embarrassing excursion involving escalating panic, flailing arms and an unceremonious dismount, before flashing my nipples to the beach. Think I’ll leave surfing to Jem.

It is lucky then that there are many other activities to do, including finding more creative ways to crash the scooter, sampling the local beverages, snorkeling, and continuing our epic backgammon tournament.

The Philippines has a fascinating and cruel history. The country was colonised by the Spanish for 300 years from the 1500s. During this period, in the 1760s, the British captured the capital Manila for four years but were fought off by the Spanish. The country was then sold to the USA for $20 million in 1898 following Spain’s defeat in the Spanish-American War. This outraged the Filipinos, who declared independence and staged years of rebellion and resistance against American rule.

The country was then occupied by Japan for almost four years during WW2. Although Japan granted the Philippines its “independence” in 1943, the Filipinos suffered greatly from atrocities inflicted not only on suspected guerrillas but on many innocent civilians. Torture, rape, pillage, and massacres, sometimes of entire villages, took place all over the country.

During WW2, the Filipinos fought for the Americans and made huge sacrafices; tens of thousands died in battle, and of starvation and disease. Manila, once considered one of the most beautiful cities in the world, was the battleground for huge deadly conflicts between the Allieds and Japanese. More than 100,000 Filipino men and 20,000 Americans died and the capital was utterly demolished. It was not until 1946 that the United States officially granted full independence.

The Philippines is the only former Spanish colony that doesn’t speak Spanish. It has been surprising how little Spanish influence we have seen; the majority of the Spanish-speaking population was killed during WW2, as well as the language and culture dwindling during American rule. There are however more than 3,000 Spanish words in the local language Tagalog, which is primarily spoken amongst locals. Due to its island geography and turbulent history, the culture and linguistics nationwide are fragmented and there is no one prevalent national identity – in fact, there are more than 170 regional languages spoken across the nation. One consistent feature we have noted is just how friendly the Filipinos are; on the whole very laid back, kind and helpful.

It is extremely hot and humid here, interspersed with one or two downpours each day. Plans include watching Jem surf from the safety of the beach, heading out on a boat trip to surrounding islands, and exploring Siargao on our scooters. To give an impression of size, it would take about 5 hours to drive around the entire island.

A big cheers and bottoms up to everyone at home, we hope you are enjoying your festivities!

Bags packed and ready for the off! It’s been a wonderful last few days here in Tonsai, punctuated by climbing and backgammon. Our stellar luck in avoiding travel-related sickness caught up with me this week; there’s nothing like spending your last day in paradise shuttling between the toilet and the bed during a nasty bout of food poisoning 🤢 Luckily for me Jem is extremely forgiving as I was supposed to belay him on his climbing project  ❤️ 💙 💜

Jem has otherwise been busy honing his new teenage wardrobe, I think perfectly capturing that Love Island circa 2018 vibe.

This week saw an awesome kayak/climb adventure to Ao Nang Tower, a sea stack located about 30 minute’s paddle from Ton Sai beach.

Navigating through the longtail shipping channel to reach the stack at dawn was a hair-raising challenge, with the main aim of not throwing all the climbing gear into the sea. Embarking and disembarking the kayaks were similarly nail biting, timing the climbing perfectly so we could access the platform over high tide.

The route is about 100 metres long and entails three pitches of easy/moderate climbing up the western face, before abseiling back down to the kayak. It was pretty exciting and Jem smashed the hard sections like a sponsored hero 💪 💪 💪 

We are flying to the Philippines today via Bangkok, including a 10-hour layover in Manilla before arriving on Siargao Island in a couple of days. Siargao is famous for its waves, laid back way of life, and golden beaches. Jem is really excited to do some surfing (there’s a famous break called Cloud 9) and we are going to start training again after entering a 3-day race in March over the Jurassic Coast which I hear is quite hilly.

We are sad to be leaving Thailand and its glorious humans, climbing and Pad Thai (classic noodles), it has been awesome!

If there’s something I particularly like about Tonsai, in addition to everything else, it’s the fact that there is a cute monkey around every corner. They sit watching from the rafters over breakfast and in the afternoon gather in the bush next to our house to eat the leaves. These are the chillest monkeys you’ve ever seen.

The Dusky leaf monkey’s population is declining due to habitat loss, poaching, and land use, and now it is classified as endangered. Luckily, the woman at the corner shop provides a solid supply of bananas throughout the week.

Tonsai is treating us well, with daily climbing, swimming, and back gammon tournaments. In the evenings, to avoid battalions of mosquitos, we watch a lot of Netflix and have adopted the sleep schedule of toddlers.

We went for an exciting journey right through the middle of the peninsula today, via a huge cave from one side of Thaiwand Wall to the other.

Its a very chilled existence here and we are doing a few routes each day.

We only intended on climbing a few easy routes here, but the perfect limestone is like a red rag to a bull, and we are getting a bit stronger.

Some of the best climbing is in the beach roof area; a row of near-perfect overhanging lines, with grades ranging from pretty hard to extremely hard.  The wall is where the climbing glitterati strut about, mincing around on the hard stuff, flexing their huge muscles and omitting the occasional power scream.

Yesterday we braved it out, sweating and grunting our way up the easiest route at the crag, with limited success and some excellent whining. It was some kind of miracle that this morning we turned up and both completed it second go.

In animal news, I saw a hornbill in the tree yesterday.

There are also some cool crabs who reside in sand potholes.

We have another six days here before we head to the Philippines. Another while to enjoy all this, and climb some hard route Jem has his eye on.

Much love to all at home 😘😘

I made a wager with Jem about two months ago that by December he would be sporting a ‘wrap-around’ of some description, to great protests of, “as if I’d ever wear a wrap-around, I’m not a total hippy” etc. Lo and behold, this evening, Jem presents.

I think it’s just for domestic use  👀

We hear the weather is really awful at home, so apologies in advance for a report full of sunshine and joy.

The last few days have been brilliant, mostly involving a 6.30am start, at the crag by 8am, and then in the bar by 4pm.

A couple of days ago, we went to a local lagoon; a very exciting expedition that involves some scrambling into the base of a crater.

We have spent the last few days looking for a clipstick as the first bolts on the routes here are generally high. On day 3 of the search, we found a local climbing store, and the Thai guy inside told us they wouldn’t rent or sell us a stick, but we could have it for free, as well as a guide book, and to make a donation to the bolting fund at the end of our trip. He was such a dude 🌈 total restoration of faith in humankind!

Climbing isn’t very interesting for most people, so without much explanation, here are some photos of stuff we’ve done:

The climbing is really unbelievable, and we are both completely psyched out of our minds . Almost as unbelievable as when a 5-foot Monitor Lizard ran up the beach yesterday just inches from us… turns out he was just one of a benign local lizard gang who swan about looking hopefully for leftovers.

In other animal news, we saw some Golden Orb Weavers, who are from the VIP area of the spider world, and make amazing webs that would be really terrifying to walk into at night.

And here are some monkeys

There is not too much more to report really. Miss you all at home, massive lobes to everyone! ❤️ 💙 💜

‘Sawasdee Ka’ from Tonsai, a semi-isolated jungle and coastal community surrounded by crystal-blue seas, and towering cliffs of perfectly-formed, mostly overhanging limestone. It is the mecca of winter climbing destinations; world-class routes, hut living, delicious Thai food, and absolute peace.

Tonsai is mainly full of climbers, with some backpackers and a few families. Not being an official ‘village’, it has always felt quite makeshift, but on this trip it has really established itself with swankier accommodation and paved roads.

It was a little intimidating arriving in Tonsai as the climbing grades are pretty tough, and when I last came in 2014 with our lad Padlogdog, we were going pretty well. Moreover, Jem and I have been seriously dedicating our time to sampling all of the national dishes and beers on our journey, and with new enhanced waistlines, the prospect of notable success seems improbable.

The neighbouring town, Railay, accessed via short walk through the jungle, is connected to real life and is much more touristy and very busy. Luckily for us, there is easier climbing there!

Yesterday, we went for a Thai massage, where basically you get the crap pummelled out of you for an hour, and about 45 mins in, you are begging them for mercy. Jem cracked so much it was like listening to someone stand on a chicken carcass. Today, we feel like goddamn heroes and my tendonitis has vanished. Climbing is going well, and we are enjoying it so much.

In monkey news, here are our local genre of ape, who are always hiding around a corner and jumping up and down on our roof.

There are also weird slugs on the beach. A Black Sea Cucumber, apparently.

The Thais are really lovely people. Everyone here is smiling and it is really infectious. We haven’t been approached once by anyone wanting business, and the climbing community is super friendly. A dream destination indeed.

So after 12 hours of waiting at Goa airport, our rescheduled flight was finally cancelled. Cue massive scramble to book new flights… the last ones left, which we had to sell some organs to buy, took us to Thailand via United Arab Emirates with a 16-hour layover.

We are now in Dubai, surrounded by sand, a few days behind schedule, and about to board our flight to Thailand. Had a right grilling from customs as we looked like drug traffickers, apparently.

Hurrah!

During the major disruption at UK airports in July, when a radar issue grounded 150 flights and caused chaos country-wide, I remember feeling relieved and lucky that I’d never been embroiled in such a drama.

Fast forward four months. India’s main carrier, IndiGo, has been in complete meltdown for the last few days following new rules introduced around ‘flight duty time limitations’, reducing the hours pilots and crew can work. Despite months to prepare for the new legislation, IndiGo has been crippled, and just yesterday, up to 500 flights were cancelled. Our flight to Mumbai was delayed by several hours, thus missing our connection to Thailand.

We arrived at the airport in Goa yesterday to scenes of absolute bedlam. Huge angry mobs; pushing, fist waving, and full-blown shouting matches. Indians have no concept of queuing or the meaning of personal space, which can come across as rather rude, and last night threatened to infringe on our delicate English sensibilities. Jem calmly explained to one fraught and boisterous woman about the efficiency benefits of a ‘queueing system’, which I don’t think quite hit the target.

When we eventually got to the front of the furious crowd, the poor staff member (and her manager behind with his head in his hands) were getting screamed at from every angle as they tried to change our flights. A bad day in the office indeed.

Flights are being delayed and cancelled at the last minute, and 10 hours after arriving at the airport, we are still waiting for our new flight to take off. It is already delayed by a few hours, threatening to miss our new connection in Bengaluru. Apparently, the backlog will take at least a week to clear.

The last few days in Goa have been quite relaxing, with some lovely meals and an adventure to Panaji, the capital, an hour and a half away.

A white-knuckle ride indeed on the back of Jem’s rental Royal Enfield Interceptor. I shall not go into details, but we got home safe, just about. Our main aim was to see the colonial quarter, which hosts original Portuguese-style architecture.

The links between Goans and Portuguese are strong; Goans can get a Portuguese passport if they were born in Goa before 1961 or if they are a direct descendant. There are shared words between Portuguese and the local language Konkani, including surnames, as well as continuing cultural and diplomatic exchanges.

Finally, as a resume on India, we have not particularly loved it. Even in Goa – which sells itself on its laid back, international, and ‘good vibes’ culture – you can’t sit on the beach for five minutes without being pestered by aggressive hawkers selling henna tattoos, anklets, sarongs, ear cleaning, massages, sun glasses, trinkets and souvenirs. Similarly, in tourist shops, the pressure to purchase makes the experience unenjoyable and anxiety-inducing.

Over the last four weeks, we have been given an insight into the gender, class, and caste dynamic, which frankly is at times appalling. Travelling as a Westener, you always feel like someone is trying to squeeze a dollar out of you. Authentic interactions are infrequent, yet when they do happen, they are truly wonderful.

Although there are elements of the Indian journey we would tweak, we would not have changed the overall plan. It has been happy, sad, overwhelming, joyous, infuriating, fascinating, lonely, exciting, and just plain bonkers. Jem and I have stuck together like glue in some really challenging moments, and for that, I am extremely proud. It sounds like a cliché, but the last four weeks have reinforced just how bloody lucky, how privileged, and how wealthy (financially, culturally, socially, and genderwise) we are in the UK.

Goodbye Goa, we will not be back (that’s if we ever leave 😂).

It is easy to get frustrated with the UK’s cronyism and sleaze. Years of Brexit and covid-related scandals under the Tories, followed by incompetence, backtracking, and infighting under Labour. Meanwhile, the menacing threat of right-wing populist leaders sweeping into power. However. This is a drop in the ocean compared with what the Indians are enduring.

In the words of yesterday’s waiter: “The poor people keep the streets clean, and it is the rich who make them dirty.” It has been a common theme during chats with locals; nationwide endemic corruption that keeps the poor on the breadline, while the cream at the top syphon crippling backhanders. Unless you are born into wealth and the right caste, options here are non-existent.

Very little money reaches its original intended purpose. For example, to combat the ‘dog problem’ in Karnataka, the state east of Goa, one woman told us that the government had earmarked three fridges to store rabies shots and the equivalent of £100,000. By the time the money had reached the specialists on the ground, it had dwindled to one fridge and £20,000.

In Transparency International’s 2024 Corruption Perceptions Index, which scored countries on a scale from 0 (highly corrupt) to 100 (very clean), India scored 38; 96th among the 180 countries. A 2005 study by the same organisation found that more than 62pc of the people had firsthand experience of paying bribes or peddling influence to get services performed in a public office. Both government regulators and police share in bribe money, to the tune of 43pc and 45pc each. Maybe unsurprising when a police officer here earns about £340 a month, while the cost of living in Goa, for example, ranges from £340 to £500.

Among the working man, the prime minister Narendra Modi – omnipresent on posters and billboards on most streets – is a divisive and often resented character. As a member of a Hindu nationalist organisation, he is accused of fuelling polarisation and ostracising Muslims (more than 14pc of the population), using hate rhetoric, and ‘divide and conquer’ policies.

He has cracked down free speech, removed workers’ rights, curbed press freedoms, and centralised power to bypass parliamentary debate, and award contracts as he pleases. Local store holders and restraunteurs speak with frustration and hopelessness about how government grants disappear from millions to hundreds as middlemen take their cuts. 

But as with any fanatical and populist leader, many back Modi for his strongman nationalistic image and humble origins; his ability to ‘get the job done’; economic policies (that benefit the few), as well as protector of Hindu and “outdated” traditions (in the words of one modern woman we spoke to).

Eye-opening, to say the least. The NHS, social security, pensions, public safety, and relative wealth for all, which in the UK we consider the norm, here, are unthinkeable. We are taking a few moments every day to be grateful for what we have at home, flawed as it is.

Jem would like to add that he can’t wait for a Gregg’s Cheese and Bean Slice 😂😂

We have spent the last few days immersing ourselves in Goa: the home of the dreadlock, poo-catcher pants, top knot, and dreamcatcher tattoo.

It’s been a treat to receive an actual fork with a rice dish; infinately preferable to chasing a million grains around the plate using only one’s right hand, and then throwing it all over the floor. Toilet roll in the loo rather than a hosepipe, and toast and eggs for breakfast rather than curry, which does make the metaphorical eyes water after a while.

While the majority of tourists here are Indian we are far from the only white faces, with a fair share of Russians and Isrealis on their holidays. We have had a few nice interactions and are mainly avoiding talking politics.

The journey here was fraught, stranded in a backwater town at 11pm when our bus didn’t show up. It was down to the kindness of locals who phoned around and got us on a later bus – or we would have been stranded there all night.

Goa was colonised by Portugal for more than 450 years until 1961, leaving a significant cultural impact on its architecture, cuisine, and language. The word ‘vindaloo’ comes from the Portuguese words ‘vinho de alho’, meaning ‘wine and garlic’. Although it is not apparent where we are staying, there are remnants of colonisation in the capital, Panaji.

In other news, we have been doing some surfing, running, walking, and swimming.

We have also adopted a cat.

We have also been out to a techno party which was very good fun.

Today Jem is hiring a Royal Enfield and we are off exploring down the coast – Portuguese architecture to follow! He is very excited indeed. Don’t worry mummies, we both have helmets!

Greetings, family and friends, from Badami, India’s premiere sport climbing destination, about 2 hours north-west of Hampi. We are spending four days in this bustling town before heading to Goa.

Badami’s 5,000 inhabitants are very friendly, low maintenance, and curious (i.e. they stare, a lot). We are the only whites in the village, and when we are not being gawped at like gorillas in a cage, we are posing for selfies for the younger Insta-obsessed folk, most of whom are on holiday here. I am sure we are trending in several countries at present 😂

#whitewesternersontour

As well as being an important pilgrimmage site, the town is also home to a huge menagerie of wild animals. Yesterday, as we climbed, we were cheered on by a balcony of primates, serenaded by a herd of goats, escorted by a lounge of lizards and surrounded by a drift of boars and their cute offspring. That’s not to mention the hangars of bats in the caves, the mating palm squirrels (making quite the racket) and cows, who as always, are the Queens of the Road and will go everywhere they please, thank you very much.

The town is also notable for its heavily-adorned tractors; a long-standing tradition expressing identity and religious beliefs, and making the vehicle more visible and appealing for business.

Most tourists are here to see the cave temples; they are a complex of four Hindu caves carved into a red sandstone hill behind the town. The area served as the capital of the Early Chalukyas during the 6th to the 8th century, when the caves were created.

The climbing has been pretty good. We’ve done a couple of days and are enjoying the red sandstone, which is pretty odd and unlike any rock we’ve climbed on before.

As much as we have mostly enjoyed being immersed in this madness, we both agree that India is not an entirely “pleasant” and contented experience for the independent traveller. Everything is a huge effort – communication is tough, and everywhere we go, we get shouted at and hassled and stared at.

Meanwhile, it is only Jem who is handed the menu in restaurants or spoken to by other men, while I am completely ignored. Ironically, when walking down the street, I get all of the other kinds of attention, mostly unwanted. The gender divide here, for me, is quite crushing.

We have found ourselves yearning after a financial transaction that doesn’t involve haggling, and a social interaction that doesn’t lead to visiting someone’s cousin’s restaurant around the corner. It is hard to describe the extent of the dirt and grime and rubbish, the open gutters; how you can’t walk down the street without dreaming of a hazmat suit.

India has provided an incredible “experiential journey” with eye-opening and humbling moments along the way. But we decided that enough was enough. We have planned to head over to Thailand for two weeks of sport climbing at Tonsai, a world-famous destination that I have previously visited a couple of times.

Next stop, Goa, where Jem plans to realign his chakras.